Exhalation of relief… You’re feeling weightless and naked. After all of these months, years, you’ve finally come to terms with yourself that you are indeed sexually and/or romantically attracted to people of the same gender. With such bravery and confidence you bare your soul and come out to the people in your life who mean the most. They accept and support you more than you could have ever asked. The road before you is paved and ready to discover life as you’ve always imagined it could be. Bright, colorful, vibrant, exciting. Exhalation.
A couple of years have passed since your revelation and you’ve bloomed ever so beautifully into your being. Girls have come and gone, which is fine because you’re exploring what you like and don’t like. You mostly frequent heterosexual establishments (because there are no gay bars around) and have no trouble catching the attention of male admirers (No offense to the male population, but all a woman has to do is exist and you swarm. This is also my discontent with women not approaching me with such ease, manifesting). With all of this male attention your mind starts to wander back over to the land of heterosexual, one that you’ve actually never visited. A sort of panic rushes over you.
These thoughts of being with men start to intrigue you and your curiosity grows. You become confused because you can’t figure out if your curiosity for men stems from your lack of attention and relationships with women or if you’re genuinely curious. In reality, experimenting with a man for the first time after many women is not that big of a deal. But in your head and your heart it goes against everything you’ve been piecing together about yourself since childhood. What does it all mean? After all, you are a red blooded woman and your biological urges still exist despite your declared sexuality. I’m talking about sex. You get urges and maybe you start to realize that for you, it doesn’t matter what gender the person satisfying you in that arena is. Does this mean you’re not gay then?
This brings up the whole complex web/umbrella/scale of sexuality of which I claim to be no expert about at all. Sometimes you can be sexually attracted to both genders and only romantically attracted to one or the other. How do you deal with that? Mention having a fling with a man and your friends will respond “Told you! We knew you were straight.” Or maybe your parents will clasp their hands together thankful that your “phase” is finally over. Obviously both responses are irrational because sexuality is not black and white, but most people find it difficult to grasp that concept. How does that affect you emotionally? I imagine the emotions are similar to coming out as something other than heterosexual. It must be even more difficult especially if you’re a “Goldstar Lesbian” because it’s like My Whole Life has Been a Lie: Part II. All of this could be avoided if our culture wasn’t sustained on a three choice orientation system.
You’re either gay, straight, or bisexual (but they get a lot of shit). If orientation was taught, discussed, and accepted more widely on the scale system like it really is, we wouldn’t have such a need to declare a sexuality. We would also be less fearful to admit to ourselves and others when our desires and attractions change. We are human beings. We are meant to grow, evolve, and discover ourselves. Discovering who you are is both frightening and rewarding I know. It takes practice, but eventually you’ll make all the decisions that correlate to your happiness. I’m still working on that too. We’re all getting there. We’ll get there someday. You didn’t get your orientation wrong, you just found something else that also floats your boat.