Tag Archives: Friendship

You Got Your Orientation Wrong

11 Nov

glauxnest.blogspot

Exhalation of relief…  You’re feeling weightless and naked.  After all of these months, years, you’ve finally come to terms with yourself that you are indeed sexually and/or romantically attracted to people of the same gender.  With such bravery and confidence you bare your soul and come out to the people in your life who mean the most.  They accept and support you more than you could have ever asked.  The road before you is paved and ready to discover life as you’ve always imagined it could  be.  Bright, colorful, vibrant, exciting. Exhalation.

A couple of years have passed since your revelation and you’ve bloomed ever so beautifully into your being.  Girls have come and gone, which is fine because you’re exploring what you like and don’t like.  You mostly frequent heterosexual establishments (because there are no gay bars around) and have no trouble catching the attention of male admirers (No offense to the male population, but all a woman has to do is exist and you swarm.  This is also my discontent with women not approaching me with such ease, manifesting).  With all of this male attention your mind starts to wander back over to the land of heterosexual, one that you’ve actually never visited.  A sort of panic rushes over you.

These thoughts of being with men start to intrigue you and your curiosity grows.  You become confused because you can’t figure out if your curiosity for men stems from your lack of attention and relationships with women or if you’re genuinely curious.  In reality, experimenting with a man for the first time after many women is not that big of a deal.  But in your head and your heart it goes against everything you’ve been piecing together about yourself since childhood.  What does it all mean?  After all, you are a red blooded woman and your biological urges still exist despite your declared sexuality.  I’m talking about sex.  You get urges and maybe you start to realize that for you, it doesn’t matter what gender the person satisfying you in that arena is.  Does this mean you’re not gay then?

This brings up the whole complex web/umbrella/scale of sexuality of which I claim to be no expert about at all.  Sometimes you can be sexually attracted to both genders and only romantically attracted to one or the other.  How do you deal with that?  Mention having a fling with a man and your friends will respond  “Told you!  We knew you were straight.”  Or maybe your parents will clasp their hands together thankful that your “phase” is finally over.  Obviously both responses are irrational because sexuality is not  black and white, but most people find it difficult to grasp that concept.  How does that affect you emotionally?  I imagine  the emotions are similar to coming out as something other than heterosexual.  It must be even more difficult especially if you’re a “Goldstar Lesbian” because it’s like My Whole Life has Been a Lie: Part II.  All of this could be avoided if our culture wasn’t sustained on a three choice orientation system.

You’re either gay, straight, or bisexual (but they get a lot of shit).  If orientation was taught, discussed, and accepted more widely on the scale system like it really is, we wouldn’t have such a need to declare a sexuality.  We  would also be less fearful to admit to ourselves and others when our desires and attractions change. We are human beings.  We are meant to grow, evolve, and discover ourselves.  Discovering who you are is both frightening and rewarding I know.  It takes practice, but eventually you’ll make all the decisions that correlate to your happiness.  I’m still working on that too.  We’re all getting there.  We’ll get there someday.  You didn’t get your orientation wrong, you just found something else that also floats your boat.

Advertisements

All Your Friends Are Heterosexual But You’re Not…

20 Feb

Hot Damn

You know what’s so great about this photo of lovely women above?  Not only are they sexy and seemingly fun-loving people, but they’re friends… And they’re all lesbians.  Having a group of female friends who adore and loathe women in the same way you do is pretty much a distant fantasy for me at the moment.  That’s why I tend to search high and low for any type of media that depicts close knit lesbian friendships so I can get a small taste of what it might be like.

My lack of lesbian friends could possibly be blamed on the fact that I was born, raised, went to school, and still live in the midwest.  The midwest being southwestern Ohio.  Cincinnati isn’t the smallest city, but I do not reside in any of the “progressive” areas.  Part of the blame could also be that I never really put any extra effort into making some lesbian friends.  While I attended University I did participate in the campuses LGBTQ organization (Spectrum).  But I never really found anyone I clicked with in the group.  It wasn’t until senior year that I finally found a “secret” group of lesbians.  I guess they weren’t exactly secret but I had never seen any of them doing things with Spectrum.  Anyhow, I didn’t have enough time to get to really know any of them and thus I graduated with one lesbian friend.  Luckily, my heterosexual friends are some of the greatest gifts that have ever been bestowed upon me.

All of my friends that I put into the “best friend” category all self identify (to my knowledge) as heterosexual.  They have been the most supporting and uplifting bunch of people I could’ve asked for.  From the moment I came out officially six years ago, to typing right here right now, not one of them has left me because of my sexuality.  I know there are kids out there who cannot say the same and I am forever grateful.  They listen to me complain about girls and cry over all the heterosexual girls I’ve fallen for (more on that later.  I could write a saga).  Even though they can’t specifically relate, they still do their best to console me and give me great bits of advice.  While I am appreciative of this, there’s an odd lingering feeling when all your friends are talking about their boyfriends and you kind of feel like an outlier.  Well technically I am an outlier I suppose.  I am infinitely surrounded by heteronormative music, television, film, friends, and sometimes you just want a small sense of complete belonging.

So what do you do when you can’t find your community in person?  You find that community elsewhere.  The easiest way to go about this is obviously the online world.  Tumblr is pretty much rainbows puking up rainbows and it’s fantastic because for a moment you feel like everyone finally understands you.  They talk about LGBTQ issues, share images they find attractive and why, talk about lesbian sex without any awkwardness, and truly embrace their identities as women who love women.  There are also websites like AfterEllen, which I lived and breathed on when I first came out.  They eloquently share lesbian news, music, film, tv, etc, while providing a safe space for lesbians to discuss various topics.  There’s also Cherry Grrl, which is “a little website with the goal of bringing more visibility to lesbian projects.”  Autostraddle is another good one.  These are just some of the main sites I wander to when I need some real lesbian content in my life.  In addition to the online Universe, you can also go out into the real world and scope out some known lesbian hot spots in your city.  I know there’s a stereotype in the lesbian community that every girl either has slept with or knows every other lesbian in a 100 mile radius.   So far from what I’ve read of some cities, this seems true.  From what I’ve experienced/seen of the seemingly smallish lesbian community in my city, it’s not really my cup of tea.  I know I just haven’t found the right lesbian scene yet and I’m hopeful I’ll find it in the future preferably in a different zipcode.  It takes patience to be gay if you haven’t figured that out already.

So if you’re like me in this situation, don’t fret!  Remind your heterosexual friends that you’re appreciative of them while seeking out a community that will fit your needs.  Also don’t feel pressured to befriend the first lesbian you meet just because you’ve never had a lesbian friend.  You can’t force a close friendship.  Just go with the flow baby.  Although I know how that sense of urgency feels and how hard it can be to resist something you’re desperately seeking.  But try to be patient.

-The Lyrical Lesbian