Tag Archives: comingout

The (Lesbian) Hopeless Romantic

21 Sep

IMG_4037I always feel so very cliché when I write about love or “love” or romance.  Why would I know what it is or means anyway?  There is no one true definition I’m sure.  I’ve always thought it was a special moment when you encountered someone who made you feel differently than the other hundreds of people you’ve encountered, even if it wasn’t love.  Is that feeling called infatuation?  Infatuation is known as “foolish love.”  What a shame that it’s foolish.  We all must be fools then because everyone has experienced this.  But I feel like I experience this more often than the average person.  I’ve heard many times that I’m always “in love” with someone, and I cannot disagree with them.  I don’t want to undo this characteristic of mine, but I do wonder what it’s like to hardly ever be in love with anyone.  I wonder if it’s better or worse.  I’m sure both have their distinct frustrations.  However, we all know the words of Lord Tennyson, “Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.”  He may be right because I’ve lost mostly and yet I think the current version of me is the best so far.  Everyone made me a better me.  Have I always been this hopeless romantic type?  Yes ma’am.

In 6th grade I had a crush on a boy (yes a boy) and I left him those disgusting candy-heart-chalk-things in his locker along with a note for Valentines Day.  I don’t think he appreciated my gifts and I remember feeling weird about the situation.  Needless to say that was the last romantic gesture I ever did for a boy and found out I rather be doing them for girls.  Since then, all of the gestures I do for the girls I like like have kept steady and meaningful.  My favorite thing to do when I feel myself falling for a lady is listen to every word she says.  Her inflections.  Watch her expressions.  When I feel like I’ve learned enough about her I plan .  I create, I write, I draw, I play, I buy sometimes…  Whatever combination feels right, I put it together and I present it to her.  Because that’s just who I am.  I do this to show her my efforts to know her.  There doesn’t have to be a label on our relationship for me to do these things because that’s who I am.  When I am fearless I do what feels right in the moment.
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Am I a hopeless romantic because despite my efforts and gestures, none of them have resulted in a significant other?  That would be selfish to expect a relationship just because they accepted my gestures with glowing eyes and fluttering hearts.  I should be left without hope because I keep doing the same romantic gestures and nothing has changed.  I should be a hopeless lesbian because for some ridiculous reason I still believe the person who will respond to my gestures won’t come from the Internet but rather a coffee shop or park (I’m not knocking people who’ve found their partners on the Internet…That’ll probably be me eventually).  Is it a sign of weakness to be a hopeless romantic?  Is it a weakness because we need to realize that our feelings of love were created by the movies and nothing more?  I know my friends might tell me I should stop being a hopeless romantic to prevent myself from being hurt.  That’s probably a great strategy but I’m terrible at stopping myself from expressing my love.

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To me, my gestures and hopes parallel the photographs of the sun setting I took in Santorini.  Even as the light dims, the beauty of the sunset does not lessen.  From every angle I am chasing something that looks so far away but feels quite close to me.  Eventually the light disappears.   I know this scene will appear 1000 times over in Santorini for countless people even if I’m not there to see it.  Luckily for me I remember it and tomorrow at sunset the light will disappear again.  And the next day.  And the next.  You see… the light always comes back.