Most things generally make sense in hindsight.
When I was in 4th grade there was one specific girl that captured my attention. To this day I can still tell you every single thing that kept my attention. From her freckled face smile to her boyish haircut just long enough to blow in the wind, there wasn’t a thing I didn’t like about her. I wanted to chase her around the playground and I wanted to hold her hand until the bell rang. The day she moved away I remember feeling an emptiness I had never felt before because I thought I’d never see her again. I never did see her again.
From 4th grade on I noticed the only human beings who moved me were girls. However, I do remember leaving a special valentines in a boys locker during the 6th grade. I don’t think I liked him but he liked me so I thought I was being nice? He did have unusually large muscles for an 11 year old so maybe I was attracted to his physique. Who knows…
It was in the 7th grade when a lightbulb finally licked for me and I realized ‘holy shit I am completely different from everyone else around me, what the hell am I supposed to do?!’ I hardly spent any period of time denying my feelings for girls because they were just too strong to pretend like they didn’t exist. Although I have been told by my lovely friends that I identified as bisexual at one point, which is probably true because committing yourself to one side of the spectrum is scary especially when it’s just expected that as a girl you’re supposed to love the D.
But I loved the V.
Attraction is universal for all sexualities. You know when you like someone because they make you feel insane and you live on the fringes outside of your mind and body. They’re the only person who can make you feel nervous, crazy, happy, depressed, and every other emotion AT THE EXACT SAME TIME. Basically a mixture for an atomic meltdown. You have to force yourself to think about something else other than them for just one minute of relief. It’s pretty simple… If they make your entire being vibrate, you might be attracted in that romantic way. A man has never even come close to making me feel anything like that. I’m laughing while typing this because it’s just so hysterical how not attracted I am to men. Sure I find some physically attractive at times, but that’s about it. I don’t want to write poems about you or spend ridiculous amounts of time hanging out doing nothing with wandering hands. But for a beautiful woman sign me up! You don’t move me fellas and that’s perfectly fine.
Attraction can be scary especially if you find yourself falling for someone who maybe doesn’t fit into your list of past mates. That’s when you have to make grown up choices and address the situation because everyone knows avoiding feelings does nothing more than slowly kill you from the inside out. Unbelievable amounts of bravery will be needed.